It's one of the nights where overthinking kills. 2011 is coming to an end. I'm not prepared for it. I'm scared. Everything is going way too fast, I'm only starting to think what have I been doing this year. I'm just starting to get adapted to everything and now, it's the time for change again. When I'm young, I look forward to a new year because every year seem to passing so damn slowly and I can't wait to grow up. It's different now, I want every year to pass slowly because I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of change, but change is the only constant. I'm afraid of responsibilities, afraid of dying, afraid of everything. I'm skeptical about the future because I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
I'm 19, I'm schooling, I'm doing nothing as time passes by. Just things like what normal 19 year old do. Go to school, head out, enjoy life, laugh, feel sad, do stupid things, networking and all. I have high expectations of myself but I only know how to think and how to talk about it. I never put myself to action. I can never bear the responsibility, all i want to do is to hide under my parents' wings. I'm materialistic, I want to be fucking rich but all i fucking do is spend and spend my money like it's free. I know it's not, I cannot help myself. I don't have my own earning power, all I do is leech money off my parents and my boyfriend. I hate being broke and I know I have to do something about it but i get all lazy and I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm turning 20 next year, I want to be independent but then again, I'm a coward. I know that being independent has to come, I'm just unwillingly to face it. I'm fear that I don't have the willpower to take on the whole world because as I grow older, the world seems to be such a scary place.
As years passes by, I start to realise that as I grow older so is everyone. When I'm younger, I don't have thoughts of people passing away. I think that my parents are here for me, forever. Fact is, no. I am fucking scared they will leave me. You know life is so fucking unpredictable, it's scares the shit out of me. I can cry just thinking about it. They are so damn bloody important to me. I don't think I can handle people that I love so much leaving me. I hold relationships so dearly. I don't show it but it's really like that in my heart. I treasure relationships alot. I wish time can stop.
I'm a person who is kind of private. I don't like to relate my problems to people. I feel like I'm a burden or is either that I don't know how to explain myself. I'm not good with words, I'm not good at anything. I'm scared people get bored of me, then they leave me. I hate loneliness, I cannot stand being alone but then again I love me-time. I'm so damn contradicting that I don't even understand myself sometimes.
This post made me realised what kind of fucking coward am I. I cannot seem to handle my own emotions properly. I get depressed easily, I overthink, I'm too damn sensitive for my own good. I don't dare to run after what I want because I am scared of rejection. I am too damns cared for anything. Anything new. I wish that I can stop living the moment or live in the past and move forward with the future.
I feel like I cannot be that personal with anyone. No, really with anyone. Not my sister, not my parents, not my boyfriend, not my close friends, not anybody. I find it so hard to open up about my personal feelings it's kills me deep down. Why am I like that? I can only write out how I feel. I guess this blog is really dear to me.
I hope that I will end this year smoothly and begin a new year with lots of hope. I really hope 2012 will be a great year for me.