I have so many thoughts in my head/heart. For once, I really want to be engrossed in writing. Plugged in my earpiece, listening to slow songs to match my emotions.
Been unhappy with matters of the heart, reality problems, monetary issues. Just all the negative thoughts flowing in.
Wonder why am I like this? I see people happy, blog about happy things. But I'm always here, blogging/tweeting sad/negative things. I'm so sick of being tired of everything. Why am i always so negative? I really wish that I'm a really happy-go-lucky person. I don't mind if I'm even stupid, but stay happy everyday. Isn't it tiring? To be a worrywart, to constantly think of other people, wishing they did the same? As I grow older I really feel that people take people for granted. Everything seems so unappreciated. Worst is, I don't feel that kindness begets kindness. Whoever said so? Is it too much to expect something? I don't even expect that much, just to a certain extent.
Really, to heck to who also said money can't buy happiness. To maintain a certain lifestyle, yes you need money. Let's say, people say, money can't buy health and true relationships but honestly, in order to stay healthy don't people buy health products? Go for check-ups? Even things like going for yoga requires money. Money is almost like everything. Without it you are just nothing. Also. let's say your relationship is really true and that it isn't based on monetary terms. You have friends that are middle class. When you guys go out, you can't expect your friends to pay for you all the time. And just because you are broke doesn't mean they have accommodate to your 'poor' activites. Even simple things like picnic requires money. Entertainment costs money. Plus the cost of living in SG in like super high. Will you be happy if you can only see your friends do fun activities? Seeing people buy what they want and you can't? You will sulk, feel sour/jealous. Money is like super important. Vital to survival.
People always feel that I am so happy with my relationship. It might seems/look like it. Because usually who wants to reveal the unhappy things about a relationship?
To be honest, when I was young, I never take relationships seriously. I believe that nothing lasts forever, till now I still hold that believe though. Nothing seems like it can.
I have had been in serious relationships before. Been hurt by a guy. Hurt somebody back. Till now I still feel bad because the whole thing broke off because of me. Might still be a happy on-going thing if I wasn't the one that broke it off because I felt that it was too routine/boring for me to continue with. Plus school was taking a toll on me that time plus I'm still immature. I'm so sorry, but you deserve better. I'm quite a bitch. If you hate me up till now, I can't ask you to forgive me. At least stay happy.
Now, I'm really serious about the relationship that I am in now. There's so much I wanna say to you. But will you really understand? Then again, I can't bring myself to bring up this topics with you. I just can't.
Wonder if things got habitual or whatever. I really hate it though.. Can't help a lil but to feel teary at this juncture.
Sometimes I wonder do you even try? Try to put yourself in my shoes to think for me. I know I'm your first girlfriend. Being in a whole new relationship is quite a roller coaster ride for you. You do things that make you feel like you are selfish, you see money as a big thing. I know I am sometimes, but I feel that I have changed most of it. I changed not because I change because I want to keep someone, it's because I feel that it's bad. My actions are bad. So I have therefore decided to change. It's also good because it won't harm our r/s. I'm still trying.
Can't help but to think you won't go the extra mile for me. I tried to notice them but the facts are just like showing right in front of my face. I will, really for you I will go the extra mile for you. But will you?
How many times I have teared. Never once I have shown it to you. My ego's pretty big. I refuse to be defeated. I rather cry in the dark then show it out. It's also because I have grown so much stronger because of the past. But when I tell you.. You seem indifferent.
I wanna talk to you about how I feel/see things as it it. But when I tell you.. You find it stupid/ridiculous. How am I supposed to even bring out things I want to say to you. Our thinkings are so different.
And you are so stubborn. You refuse to budge. I try to tell you something, but you won't listen. Until it happens or you suddenly realise something out of the blue then you decide to stop or something. Why can't you just listen to me sometimes?
It's not like I myself can stop myself from expecting. I already lowered my expectations. I don't know why is it so hard for you. Is it because of monetary issues? Or you don't even bother to think about it? I appear materialistic, but who isn't? Don't tell me you aren't? I just want occasional surprises. Sometimes I wish you were more like your brother in that area. I'm so jealous when he treats his girlfriend right.
Right now, I feel this way because I might not have enough attention from you because so many things have diverted your attention for me to them.
There's so much more I want to say but I'll hold it back.
Just sent you a message.. Bout how tired I am.
Wonder if you will reply..? Or just brush it off like always? (How can you always do that?)
Will you do something about it?
Or think that it's just one of my fits again?
Sometimes I wonder, am I just nothing in your eyes? You make me feel so small. So insignificant. It's torturous. Do you really love me?
I need an answer..